One-A-Day: San Jose Sharks

Thanks to Mouthguard for contributing this entertaining recap of the San Jose Sharks and the best pictures.

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ONE-A-DAY: SAN JOSE SHARKS
(or, A SHOT IN THE DARK, by Blake Edwards)


Hmmmm.... What a thoroughly disappointing and freakball bizarre season 2011-12 turned out to be for the San Jose Sharks. Just when you thought things couldn't get ANY WORSE for this poor excuse of a professional hockey team, Martin Havlat - one half of their prized Wild acquisitions from the off-season - is taken out with a serious injury early on until the playoffs. Absymal PPs and PKs followed. There were lots of individually talented moving parts on the ice, but this weird disconnect negated all of it. Then, poor star-crossed head coach Todd McLellan gets bonked in the head in-game on his own bench by Jamie McGinn.

McLellan has to sit out several key games down the stretch, and the team's sorry lack of coaching depth is up-front-and-center.

Over-zealous tweeting and off-ice chicanery from the likes of Logan Couture

new Shark Brent Burns, Ryane Clowe

Andrew Desjardins and Jamie McGinn

don't serve to turnaround the Sharks' sorry state of affairs anytime soon. Burns has a craptacular inaugural season mostly because he doesn’t have a worthy D-partner to play with. But really, this lackluster season should be remembered for the blame-gaming ownership shoveled onto the pudgy shoulders of a certain Mr. Todd McLellan.

When the season concluded, the Sharks traded assistant coaches with the Devils: Matt Shaw was shipped off to Newark in exchange for the one-and-only Mr. Larry Motherfucking Robinson.

Larry, is that you or is that Scott Hartnell channelling you? Anyway - pathetic as it seems, the blame game continues in San Jose, and word around the taco trucks is that if McLellan can't squeeze out what looks to be a Campbell Conference title-earning season this time around by January 1, he'll be toast and Mr. Larry Motherfucking Robinson will be anointed head coach/Tums chewer.

Bottom line: This team should have gone much farther in the playoffs and yet again, they choked at crunch time. In early July, the Sharks were one of a handful of teams that had a legitimate shot at acquiring a much-needed Shea Weber (for his blueline genius and leadership as a C) but ownership's refusal to frontload contracts blew it and guess what? The blueline is as sucky as ever heading into 2012-13. Sorry, but Brad Stuart just ain't gonna cut it back there. Unfortunately, although there are many quirky reasons to love some guys on this team, there are more reasons to shake your head and roll your eyes because of perennial mismanagement and bungling that trickles down from corporate.




General Manager – Doug Wilson (a/k/a Inspector Jacques Clouseau – GM/MASTER BUNGLER/DETECTIVE FAIL)


Coach – Todd McLellan (a/k/a Chief Inspector Charles LaRousse Dreyfus – Clouseau’s boss)

Yeah. They hate hate HATE each other.


Team Captain – "Jumbo” Joe Thornton (a/k/a Kato Fong – Clouseau’s manservant)
Alternate Team Captain(s) – Dan Boyle (a/k/a Professor Auguste Balls – Clouseau’s disguise supplier)


Patrick Marleau (hooker who has a crush on Clouseau)


Ryane Clowe (hooker who pretends to have a crush on Clouseau)


Player(s) Everyone Should Love – ADAM BURISH.

Burrito was snatched from the Stars and personally, I think this might be the single most intelligent move the Sharks have made since I dunno FOREVER. He's a media wet dream and is the charismatic tinderbox fans have been waiting for since the JR-salad days

Was part of a legendary Wisco Badgers crew a few years back that included... Joe Pavelski, who you should also love x1000


Brent Burns. Logan Couture. Tommy Wingels - for his all-encompassing devotion to the You Can Play Project, if for nothing else. You go, Tom. And, of course, LARRY MOTHERFUCKING ROBINSON

Player(s) We Don’t Like – Everybody on their blueline except for Brent Burns. Both netminders. Joe Thornton. Ryane Clowe. That pipsqueak chipmunk "ASSistant Coach" Jay Woodcroft. Seriously - you know it's never a good sign when hockey players blow smoke up the Giants' butts


when the obvious Bay Area team they should be supporting happens to be those crusty punk-asses from Oaktown. Shameless Exhibit A - my boyfriend and his MouthGuard:
And Douglas Murray has made it painfully clear that he couldn't be any less interested in tightening up his technique out there because he's tons more interested in dating tainted trustafarian golf groupies (??? Did I just write that???)



Who They Got – Adam Burish

Brad Stuart, Tim Kennedy, Tommy Wingels, Daniel Winnik, TJ Galliardi. LARRY MOTHERFUCKING ROBINSON.

Who They Lost – Jamie McGinn, Torrey Mitchell (much to the chagrin of 11-year old virgins everywhere). Daniel Winnik, Assistant Coach Matt Shaw. And THAT’S IT, although it can be argued that EVERYBODY’s lost on this team – everybody’s dazed, confused and wandering around The Horror That Is Downtown Metropolitan San Jose. Really, San Jose? Couldn't do better than this? There weren't ANY free-and-slutty UFAs/RFAs out there you wanted to take a look at?! Sigh. Sorry, but it feels like 2012-13's team is... AWFULLY, ATROCIOUSLY SIMILAR TO 2011-12's team.

Located At – HP Pavilion (the Shark Tank). Home of Sharks Pepsi

and diarrhea-spiked green pepper nachos.

Hotness Level – HotNESS or HotMESS?
If we're talking HotNESS:
Pre-Burish: 2
Burish-Era: 5 (yes, he has bumped up their hot 3 whole points all by himself – it’s the truth, people)


If you wanna go HotMESS: 11 Their mess is straight-up 11.