One-A-Day: Nashville Predators

As always, Mouthguard has her own take on the Nashville Predators season and the aftermath of every scandal/natural disaster/awful thing known to mankind come down on that team.

We love her brand of crazy.

-&-

** PREFACE: Nashville's One-A-Day is a departure from the expected format, primarily because this team had a season for the ages and has made everybody sit up and take notice in this offseason - unfortunately, sometimes for reasons they would obviously prefer to be forgotten (Radulov's return, Webering, PingPongGate, CurfewGate). So apologies in advance if you wanted a quick and dirty synopsis/preview and many thank yous to the HJ crew for allowing the wiggle room. **

LOOKOUT PEOPLE, IT'S A GOLD-OUT!!! LIVE, FROM THE ONE-AND-ONLY BRIDGESTONE ARENA IN BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN MUSIC CITY U.S.A.,


IT'S THE SHEA WEBER CELEBRITY ROAST!!!!





FEATURING THE NASHVILLE PREDATORS!!! WITH SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY GUEST ROASTERS CARROT TOP!!!


"HEY SHEA! MY MAN GORGY-PORGY SAYS I CAN WATCH YOU WORK OUT IN THE GYM TOMORROW, WHADDAYA SAY?"

CHYNA!!!


"I LOVE YOU SHEA! CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR A PRIVATE ONE-ON-ONE 'WEBERING' SESSION WITH YOU!"

LARRY THE CABLE GUY!!!


"YOU HAVE REDEFINED THE MEANING OF 'GIT-R-DONE', BROTHER MAN!"

MUSICAL GUESTS - AND SHEA'S ALL-TIME FAVORITE BAND EVER - NICKELBACK!!!!


"HEY BROTHER - THANK YOU FOR BEING OUR BIGGEST FAN EVER!" (PEACE & HEARTBUMPS)

WE'RE TERRY CRISP & PETE WEBER, YOUR HOSTS FOR THE EVENING

AND IT IS OUR HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO WELCOME SHEA WEBER TO THE DAIS!

(SHEA TAKES HIS SEAT ON A GOLD THRONE, CENTER STAGE, TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR NASHVILLE PREDATORS!!! (THE CROWD IS ROARING AND ON ITS FEET, DRESSED IN BRIGHT GOLD PREDS JERSEYS)

PLEASE WELCOME GENERAL MANAGER DAVID POILE!!! (CHEERS BUT ALSO SOME JEERS & BOOS)


"THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE. WOW - WHAT A YEAR, EH? SO MANY UPS AND DOWNS WITH OUR CLUB. I'M JUST GONNA KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET AND SAY THAT I AM ELATED TO BE HERE TONIGHT, ROASTING OUR CAPTAIN AND FEARLESS LEADER SHEA WEBER! IT'S A HUGE RELIEF KNOWING HE'LL BE A PRED FOR THE DURATION OF HIS CAREER, AND WE JUST COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR OURSELVES AND OUR CITY! (APPLAUSE) OH, AND SHEA - ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THAT NO-TRADE CLAUSE YOUR AGENTS HAVE BEEN PESTERING ME ABOUT IS THIS:
"


AND NOW, HERE'S HEAD COACH BARRY TROTZ EVERYBODY!!! (APPLAUSE)


"THANK YOU! WELL, SHEA YOU CERTAINLY GAVE US A SCARE THERE DIDN'T YA? I'M NOT GONNA LIE I STARTED TO GET WORRIED WHEN RADS TEXTED ME THAT YOU'D SIGNED AN OFFER SHEET WITH THE KHL'S CHERNOBYL CHIMPANZEES FOR 500 MILLION RUBLES!

BUT YOUR AGENTS FORGOT TO CONVERT THE 500 MILLION RUBLES INTO US DOLLARS SO THE DEAL ONLY TURNED OUT TO BE WORTH $15,675,270.10 OVER 14 YEARS! (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT THE ARENA) ALL I CAN SAY IS, I'M HAPPY THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR YA, SON, AND I'M EVEN HAPPIER YOU'LL BE A LOWLY MILLIONAIRE STUCK HERE IN THE MUSIC CITY BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT WE STILL LOVE YA, KID!" (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)


OKAY NOW LET'S INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME GUYS WHO YOU FANS JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET ENOUGH OF! (CHEERS) SOME OF YOUR FAVORITES! HERE'S COLIN WILSON AND HIS LITTLE BUDDY BRANDON YIP!!!

(PHOTO CREDIT TO HOCKEYPIX.TUMBLR.COM)

WILSON DOES THE TALKING: HEY SHEA, WHAT'S UP CAPTAIN! YEAH ME AND YIPPER'S EYEBROWS JUST WANT TO PERSONALLY THANK YOU FOR HAVING EVERYTHING TO DO WITH RADS COMING BACK LAST MARCH. (BOOS AND JEERS ENGULF THE ARENA) BEING HEALTHY-SCRATCHED THROUGHOUT THE PLAYOFFS ONLY MADE ME AND YIPPER STRONGER.

IT MADE US BETTER PLAYERS AND OVERALL, ANGRIER INDIVIDUALS WITH MORE RESOLVE TO IMPROVE OUR FOCUS. THANKS, BUDDY!"

AND NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THAT PESKY LITTLE CHERRY PICKER GOALIES JUST LOVE TO HATE, PATRIC HORNQVIST!!! (CHEERS)


"JA HI THERE FANS! HEY SHEA, CHECK OUT THIS SHOT FROM WARMUPS - REMEMBER THIS?
(TO THE AUDIENCE) I LOVE TO GIVE SHEA CRAP BECAUSE HE LOVES THE ATTENTION! NO REALLY! ALSO, YOU ALL NEED TO KNOW THAT ONE OF OUR SECRET WEAPONS IS THAT FUCKING AWESOME BISCUITS/BUN-BUNS AD ON THE BOARDS NEXT TO THE GOALIE! CHECK THIS OUT!
(FANS ARE ON THEIR FEET) THAT BUN-BUNS IS FUCKING MAGICAL, MAN. IT FREAKS OUT OPPONENT GOALIES SO BAD. WHO EXPECTS TO SEE POPOVERS OR DONUTS OR WHATEVER ON THE BOARDS? I LOVE THIS TOWN! I LOVE YOU GUYS! GO PREDS!" (ARENA IS SHAKING WITH CHEERS)

LOOK - HERE'S LITTLE RYAN ELLIS! RYAN ASKED US TO TELL YOU THAT HE HAS CRIPPLING STAGE FRIGHT BUT HE'S HONORED TO BE HERE THIS EVENING. HE ASKED US TO SHOW YOU ALL THIS VIDEO, WHICH HE SAYS PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP EVERYTHING HE'S FEELING RIGHT NOW:
(CROWD IS LAUGHING AND CHEERING - ELLIS IS WAVING TO THEM AND SHAKING SHEA'S HAND ONSTAGE) OH, AND RYAN SAYS TO 'SUCK IT, PHILLY!'" (MORE CHEERING)


OKAY NASHVILLE! GIVE IT UP FOR CRAIG "HONEY BADGER" SMITH!!!


"WOW, CONGRATULATIONS SHEA. SHEA HELPED ME A LOT IN MY FIRST NHL SEASON; HE ALSO HELPED ME BOUNCE BACK FROM THAT BONEHEAD EMPTY NETTER GAFFE. BUT TO BE HONEST HE SCARES THE FREAKING CRAP OUTTA ME.

HERE WE ARE AT THE ALL STAR GAME IN OTTAWA:

JUST LOOK AT HOW TERRIFIED I AM. DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE HE WANTS TO CLOBBER ME WITH A TIRE IRON?" (FANS ARE LAUGHING. SHEA ISN'T.)

IS IT JUST US OR DOES IT SEEM LIKE SHEA IS TELEPORTING THROUGHOUT THIS TELECAST? SOMETIMES HE HAS A BEARD, SOMETIMES HE'S IN THE LOCKER ROOM, SOMETIMES HE'S IN STREET CLOTHES... ANYWAY! THIS MAN NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION: MR. PEKKA RINNE!!! (RECEIVES A NASHVILLE PATENTED TV TIMEOUT STANDING-O)


"WHAT'S UP SMASHVILLE?! I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND ALL THIS COMMOTION BECAUSE I MEAN IT TOOK ME A GRAND TOTAL OF 10 MINUTES TO MAKE UP MY MIND THAT I WANTED TO PLAY HERE FOREVER -- (CROWD INTERRUPTS HIM WITH ANOTHER OVATION) YEAH, RIGHT?!

IT WAS PROBABLY THE EASIEST DECISION OF MY LIFE AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO GET STARTED! YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, SMASHVILLE! OH YEAH - HI SHEA!"


IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THIS TEAM UNDERWENT A LOT OF TRANSACTIONAL UPHEAVAL THIS PAST SEASON. HAL GILL, ANDREI KOSTITSYN AND PAUL GAUSTAD WERE ACQUIRED AT DEADLINE. BRANDON YIP WAS CLAIMED OFF WAIVERS. ALEX RADULOV RETURNED TO PLAY OUT HIS CONTRACT IN VERY CELEBRATED FASHION. CHRIS MASON JUST SIGNED ON. AND THEN AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE SPECTRUM, JERRED SMITHSON AND ANDERS "GUMMY BEAR" LINDBACK WERE TRADED AND JORDIN TOOTOO, FRANCIS BOUILLON, ALEX RADULOV AND ANDREI KOSTITSYN WERE NOT INVITED BACK AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE SEASON -- (AT THIS MOMENT, A HALF-NAKED RADULOV AND ANDREI KOSTITSYN JUMP ONSTAGE AND HIJACK THE MIC)


RADULOV: "H-H-HAYY, WHAT ABOUT US, HEH? VAS GEDANIYA BEEEEETCHHES!!! (FANS JEER AND BOO HIM MERCILESSLY - START CHANTING "PER-VERT" AND "LO-SER") WHY SO MAD, HEH? WE MADE BEEEG BOO-BOO IN PLAYOFFS BUT NO HARD FEELINGS, NO? (MORE BOOS) EH, SHEA? (TURNS TO SHEA) YOU NOT MAD NO MORE, HEH?

HEY MAN WE GO WAY BACK! I'M BUMMED YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE PLAYING IN KAY-HAITCH-HELL! CHERNOBYL IS MAKING A BEEEG COMEBACK! THEY BUILT A NEW STRIPTEASEATORIUM, THEY HAVE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BACON CHEESE TURTLE BURGER BARS NOW, AND BIRTH DEFECTS HAVE PLUMMETED TO ONLY 86%. IT'S AWESOME, MAN! 500 MEEELLION RUBLES!"


(A FRIENDLY, FAMILIAR VOICE SHOUTS FROM SIDE-STAGE) "HEY RADS, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JERRED SMITHSON? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A STREAKER!" (ANOTHER VOICE COUNTERS FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE) "NAH, I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY CLOTHES OFF SINCE I GOT TRADED TO THE PANTHERS!"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST ROASTERS JORDIN TOOTOO AND JERRED SMITHSON!!

(TV TIMEOUT STANDING-O SHAKES THE BRIDGE. GIRLS FLING THEMSELVES AND THEIR UNDERGARMENTS ONSTAGE. FANS ARE CRYING, BEGGING HIM TO COME BACK)

(TOOTOO TAKES THE MIC FIRST) "HI EVERYBODY - PLEASE. YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL BAD! I JUST WANTED TO COME BACK ONE LAST TIME TO SAY HI AND BYE AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. AND CONGRATULATIONS, SHEA. YOU HAD BRASS ON THE ROPES AND YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?


IT MUST FEEL NICE TO FEEL WANTED IN A PLACE LIKE THIS. I'D HAVE GIVEN ANYTHING TO STAY HERE. THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYBODY!"


(SMITHSON CHIMES IN) "ME TOO! I MISS YOU GUYS - I MISS YA SHEA, MY OLD ROAD ROOMIE! BLESS YOUR SLEEP APNEA, BUDDY!"

WE'RE JUST FULL OF SURPRISES TONIGHT, PEOPLE! PLEASE WELCOME SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST ROASTER SHEA'S BFF JOSH "GORGY-PORGY" GORGES!!! (A CHORUS OF BOOS AND WHISTLES FILLS THE BRIDGE. GORGES IS SIMULTANEOUSLY BENDING OVER AND KICKING A LARGE COOLER OF MYSTERY BEVERAGES ACROSS THE STAGE.)


"HEY HEY HEY EVERYBODY! CAN I GET A WUT-WUT? (TURNING TO THE GUESTS) CARROT, MY MAN! I ALREADY TOLD THE GYM BACK HOME IN KELOWNA THAT YOU WOULD BE HANGIN' OUT AND WATCHIN' WEBS WORK OUT LIKE I ALWAYS DO. THEY'RE SUPER STOKED, DUDE. WE'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN WATCHIN' WEBS!!! (TO SHEA) RIGHT WEBBY? EH?


(KISSING CHYNA'S HAND) CHYNA DOLL, YOU ARE A VISION AS PER USUAL! MAY I OFFER YOU A JELL-O SHOT? (TO THE CROWD) JELL-O SHOTS FOR EVERYBODY IN HONOR OF THE RICHEST HOCKEY PLAYER IN HISTORY!!! (THUNDEROUS BOOING. A CATFISH HITS HIM IN THE FACE) HEY NOW, THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!"

(TO SHEA) MY BUDDY, PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONGRATULATIONS AND CAN I JUST STRESS HOW MUCH I WORSHIP YOUR VERY BEING?

WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR OVER A DECADE AND YOU JUST KEEP ON KICKIN' ASS. AMAZING. IT WAS MY SINCEREST PLEASURE TO REFER YOU TO MY AGENTS LAST YEAR.

THE BROTHERLY LOVE PLAN DIDN'T QUITE PAN OUT, BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT KEV

AND JAR

HAVE DONE A FANTASTIC JOB LOOKIN' OUT FOR NUMERO UNO, EH?"

(MORE BOOING. IT'S AWFUL)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JOSH! NO, NO JELL-O SHOTS FOR US BUT THANK YOU JOSH! OKAY MOVING RIGHT ALONG... WE'VE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST PEOPLE! PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST ROASTER MR. RYAN SUTER!!! (SUTES MINCES ONSTAGE, STARING AT SHEA THE WHOLE TIME. SHEA IS STARING BACK AND THEY BOTH LOOK LIKE THEY WANT TO STRANGLE/EMBRACE EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME. THE AUDIENCE BOOS LOUDER THAN EVER, IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. IT'S A SCARY-ASS SCENE)


(RYAN GRIPS THE MIC STAND AND SOMEBODY IN THE CROWD YELLS, "GO HOME, YOKO!" RYAN GOES APESHIT BALLISTIC) "EXCUSE ME? WERE YOU REFERRING TO MY BEAUTIFUL, LOVING WIFE WHO IS STARTING AN EXCITING NEW CAREER PATH IN MINNEAPOLIS? LISTEN, MISTER - MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHY IT'S SO WRONG TO BASE YOUR LIFE DECISIONS ON YOUR FAMILY'S HAPPINESS AND WELL-BEING? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO PRIORITIZE? WAS I SUPPOSED TO BLINDLY FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF IDIOT HACK AGENTS WHO ONLY GAVE A CRAP ABOUT MAKING THE MAXIMUM POSSIBLE COMMISSION DU JOUR? (THE CROWD IS SUDDENLY PIN-DROP QUIET. RYAN IS LOOKING STRAIGHT INTO SHEA'S EYEBALLS) OR MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE JUST BASED MY DECISION ON WHAT SOME FAT TOOL KELOWNATARD I USED TO PLAY WITH IN JUNIORS WHO CREEPS ON ME WHEN I WORK OUT THOUGHT I SHOULD DO WITH MY LIFE." (SHEA JUMPS UP FROM HIS THRONE AND THE TWO OF THEM ENGAGE IN A BRUTAL, FULL-ON GLARING CONTEST. NICKELBACK SEIZES THE MOMENT AND CHUGS INTO "THIS MEANS WAR"...)


(GORGY-PORGY DIFFUSES THE AWKWARDNESS.) "HEY, I'M NOT FAT DUDE. I'M JUST BIG-BONED!"

(SUTES, STILL STARING AT SHEA) "DUDE PLEASE. YOU'RE GINORMOUS."

(GORGY-PORGY) "AM NOT."

(SUTES) "ARE TOO." (CROWD IS CHEERING HIM, NOW)

(GORGY-PORGY) "AM NOT."

(SUTES) "DUDE SERIOUSLY - JUST GOOGLE 'GORGES' AND 'FATSO.'"

(GORGY-PORGY) "CAN'T, BECAUSE ALL THE GIRLS WHO ARE GOOGLING 'GORGES' AND 'SEXY' HAVE CRASHED MY INTERNET." (USHERS ARE STRUGGLING TO CONTAIN CHAIN-REACTION VOMITING IN THE LUXURY BOXES FOLLOWING THIS ASSERTION)

(SUTES) "MAYBE IF YOU ACTUALLY EXERCISED AT THE GYM, INSTEAD OF CREEPING ON WEBS, YOU WOULDN'T BE SUCH A FLABBY MESS."

(GORGY-PORGY) "MAYBE IF YOU WERE MORE OF A LOYAL FRIEND TO WEBBY, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU LET YOUR WIFE CONTROL YOUR FUTURE. WEBBY'S FIANCEE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL HIS NAME, MAN! THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! IF SHE CAN'T SPELL HOW CAN SHE COUNT? SHE'LL NEVER NOTICE ALL THE ZEROES HE LEFT OFF THE PRE-NUP! WEBBY'S MY FREAKING HERO, MAN! (CROWD PELTS HIM WITH CATFISH)

(SHEA CAN BE SILENT NO LONGER. HE EXPLODES, GRABBING THEM BOTH BY THE NECK SO THEY DANGLE FROM HIS ARMS LIKE TWO WET KITTENS. THE BRIDGE IS STUNNED AS NEVER BEFORE)
"SHUT UPPPPP!!!! SHUT UP!!! BOTH OF YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP!!! LOOK - THIS IS MY ROAST, OKAY? CAN'T YOU TWO JUST GET ALONG FOR ONCE? CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? DON'T YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER WHERE I END UP OR WHO I END UP PLAYING OR SHARING MY LIFE WITH ANYMORE? ALL I WANT IS TO BE WITH BOTH OF YOU. FOREVER. (THE CROWD IS AUDIBLY GASPING. PEOPLE ARE DROPPING THEIR BIG GULPS. SHEA LOOKS AT GORGY-PORGY) JOSH, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT WORKING OUT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU WEREN'T THERE BY MY SIDE, EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY, STARING AT ME LIFTING AND DOING BURPEES. IT WOULD FOR REAL SUCK DUDE. FOR REAL. ROCKETS FOREVER, MAN. (LOOKING AT SUTES) SUTES, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT PLAYING WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU WEREN'T THERE BY MY SIDE --" (RANDOM SOBS ARE EMANATING FROM THE AUDIENCE. SUDDENLY, THE ROAST TURNS FROM SILLY AND STUPID TO VERY, VERY SAD.)


(SUTES) "I'M SO SORRY I CAN'T EVEN GET MY HEAD AROUND IT. I WOULD HAVE LOVED PLAYING WITH YOU FOREVER, TOO.

BUT PEOPLE EVOLVE AND GROW, AND JUST BECAUSE YOUR JOB SITUATION CHANGES DOESN'T MEAN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS HAVE TO CHANGE TOO. HOCKEY DOESN'T EVER WANT YOU TO CHANGE, BUT REAL LIFE INSISTS UPON IT. (TO THE CROWD) I HOPE YOU WILL FORGIVE ME ONE DAY FOR DOING WHAT I HAD TO DO. IT WASN'T PERSONAL, AND IT WASN'T BUSINESS. IT WAS JUST LIFE. (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE) (TO SHEA) THAT'S HOW YOU AND ME ARE DIFFERENT. YOU'RE SAYING YOU DID ALL THIS BECAUSE OF MY DECISION LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT, AND BECAUSE YOU WERE ARB'D LAST YEAR AND THE CBA AND BECAUSE IT'S BUSINESS. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT ALL OF THIS KERFUFFLERY IS ENTIRELY BECAUSE OF YOU? YOU WERE OFFERED A CONTRACT. YOU COULD HAVE SCORED NOW AND LATER. IT WAS ALL THERE FOR YOU. IT'S YOUR DECISION. IT'S YOUR LIFE. YOU NEED TO OWN UP TO THAT, GOOD, BAD AND UGLY. YOU CAN'T EXPECT EVERYTHING TO BE BUSINESS AS USUAL WHEN YOU'RE CHASING PAYDIRT. MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. (HUGGING HIM) I LOVE YOU MAN. GOD'S SPEED. (TO THE CROWD) FAREWELL, AND THANK YOU ALL. (TO GORGY-PORGY) DUDE, JELL-O SHOTS ARE SO FREAKING GROSS. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

___________________________________________________________________________________

** EPILOGUE: A Nashville musician crafted a dastardly tune about Weber following the offer sheet mess and immediate aftermath called "Hey 'Ol Shea." Love it or hate it, it's pretty harsh stuff and it seems like a lot of effort considering a perfect song already exists for the occasion:


The Predators were a fantastic team this past season, and there is every reason to believe they will be even better this year. On the Hotness Scale, they rate a solid 8.5, mostly because they have enticing eye candy for all age groups. Are there any Preds players we shouldn't like? Not really, although after this summer I can tell you that if I was asked this question about this player:

I would say absolutely not. No way would I tell him he had provolone stuck between his teeth.

I can hardly wait for people to finally realize what a special team this is, instead of being preoccupied with distracting contract drama caused by guys who don't necessarily have a solid grip on reality. I wish I didn't have lingering doubts, but now I wonder which captain is going to show up for work. Sorry, but I'll never forget just how dangerously close this nearly-perfect specimen of a hockey player
came to turning into this:


Hey Captain - haven't you heard that the chase is better than the catch? Money changes everything. And everybody.