Cassi is someone that we consider a protege and we were totally pumped that she wanted to do her own review of the Draft. We think it's the perfect mix of funny, sharp and awesome.
Without further ado, here is her write-up about the NHL 2012 Draft.
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Well, the names have all been called, the jerseys handed out, cheesy pictures taken, hand shakes exchanged, and sigh of relief exhaled. Now that the draft is over, what are we supposed to do? Umm..TALK ABOUT IT! DUH!!
I’m just going to admit it right out. A major reason I watch the draft is because I am a 17 year old girl...who enjoys to look at hockey players around my age. My humble hometown of Chicago is easily passed up when in comes to hockey hotbeds. I like to watch the draft because I like to look at the butts of boys in nicely fitted dress pants. Is this a crime? Not for me...but for any ladies older than me who have this same feeling...I’m not too sure.
Moving on...I obviously was not lucky enough to hike out to Pittsburgh and see the draft in person. So I spent my Friday night, alone on my couch, watching the festivities from the NBC Sports Network. Actually, if you want to be technical about this whole situation...I had the joyous company of hummus, chips, and my dog. Back to the point...while Henrik and Noodles observed things at the draft, from the draft, I observed the spectacle from my living room. So here’s some points I would like to go over...
First off, I am in love with Nail Yakupov’s broken English. And his ethnic connection with Stalin. Pretty badass if you ask me. I also believe we can all learn from his life philosophy of wanting to be first. Very Russian. Along with this...where did Carrot Top come from?
Moving on from that, I believe we all should share our sympathy with Ryan Murray...the poor, poor boy. Nobody wanted to be drafted by Columbus. “Honored” my ass.
Let’s take a moment to analyze this picture...
Daddy Dearest is like “Oh shit”, Ryan doesn’t want to get up, Mommy is fulfilling the stereotype, and beaming with joy, and Sissy is thinking to herself “This can’t be good”. I’d say future Christmas card? It’s such a shame..poor Ryan is such a cute boy. Why do all the good die young?
Such a nice kid, such a nice butt.
On another note, I wish I had Morgan Rielly’s dad...his reaction was so cute!
BOY BAND LOOK ALIKE ALERT!! “Baby, you like up my world like nobody else”
I now am proud to be an American after seeing an 11 year old Jacob Trouba absolutely hammer another prepubescent creep. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over my freedom! Hell yeah America!
Like a boss...you flip that puck.
Before we move on, let’s address the most important moment in the draft...the Staal trade. I am sorry, but the Pittsburgh team has no heart. Boy-o is in the middle of getting hitched! WTF?! Have some curtsey. He was probably under Heather’s dress...having fun, trying to grab the garter..then someone interrupts his fun, telling him he just got traded to his brother’s team...and this ensues...
Can I just say one thing? If I went to a high school with Mark Jankowsi, I would not want to leave. I’d make it my lifelong goal that he took me to prom. Boy’s a looker.
See? Photoshop knows whats up! “The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed”
With me being a Hawks fan, I would like to say how pleased I am with their first pick, Teuvo Teravainen. He is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I think he knits mittens for puppies in his spare time.
Patrick Kane, do NOT corrupt this sweet child. He just wants his daily glass of milk for strong bones when he says “drink”.
Sulk off Patty, sulk off.
Speaking of Patty, I have an..umm..issue with the kid his hometown team drafted. I don’t think Zemgus needs words...
There’s a face only a mother could love.
And last but not least, we need to highlight a few spectators at the draft. These individuals all obviously needed fashion help. Then again, let’s look at what sport we are dealing with...excluding the Swedes!
What do you all think?
Offender #1: Alyonka Larionov
Looks like a cherry Slushie exploded on her sexy angel outfit from Halloween...
Offender #2: Blondie behind Nail Yakupov:
I’m just going to go with the excuse that she’s Russian.
Offender #3: Collin Olson
It’s like a picnic table, with a candy cane!
Offender #4: Derrick Pouliot’s hair
Not so sick flow, bro
Offender #5: PK Subban and his blazer
First off, I’m not sure people wear brown blazers anymore...and what is this face?
and lastly....
Offender #6: Kathryn Tappen
You know, Kathryn is one of the few female hockey reporters I respect. I think she’s very good...however...in her rush to down the Pepto because she knows how her stomach gets around Pierre...she spilled. Poor girl.
So there were some things I observed from my lonely living room. One last thing...all the points to Tyler Seguin’s tweet...brought tears to Malcolm’s eyes.
Well, it was the tweet, or this face....
2 comments:
Love the recap! You make it far more entertaining than I remember it being.
Nail is going to be fabulously entertaining. I assume you follow his twitter account? He's already a playa. And a funny one at that!
Poor Ryan indeed. You have to give him bonus points for not showing the horror or disappointment he must have felt when the CBJ selected him. I'm sure the guys on the team are nice, but certainly they are among the worst managed teams out there. Although the Islanders sure tried to give them a run for that title. ALL their draft picks??? Did someone spike Snow's coffee with LSD?
As for PK Subban. Oh yea, he's one of us now. When asked on a local radio station today what he hated most about Montreal he said his brother. Hahahahaha! That's right all you Habs fans we've got one of our own Subbans now!
Ok late to the party but good stuff! Derrick Pouliot looks like he is holding a Firebolt and heading out for a game of Quidditch!
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