2012 Playoffs: Media Day Recaps

aka Playoff Beard Takeover.

Or something like that.

Media Day starts out with an extremely dramatic montage of Devils and Kings highlights of how they got to the Stanley Cup Finals. That's probably top three biggest goals of Adam Henrique's life. Ditto for Dustin Penner.

Kathryn Tappen looked very summery in pink and white. Barry Melrose is an idiot. And Kevin Weekes is biased, everyone knows he loves the Devils. Kidding.

First up is Peter DeBoer, the head coach of the New Jersey Devils.

Honestly, coaching ages people. When these guys first come to an NHL team, they always look so young and spry but by the time the Finals roll around, they look like a million years old.

Adam Henrique.

How is someone so attractive with an obviously-sculpted beard? And of course NHL Network teases us with his pretty face but no audio. They hate us. They fail us all the time. We need to make our own channel and sneak into media events to film what we want to see.


TOO MUCH ANALYSIS, WE WANNA SEE PLAYER INTERVIEWS COME ON!!!


The first appearance of Sweet Lou Lamoriello. Oh how we missed his aged face.

At the same time, doesn't it seem like he never ages? Like he's looked the same for years. Probably eats the souls of young players to stay so young.

Okay, here we go now.

Martin Brodeur. Looks like he's twelve.

Also, we always forget that he's French-Canadian.

If you think the Devils don't need Travis Zajac then you're freaking high. Seriously, he could be the most important player for their team. Zach Parise needs him. Ilya Kovalchuk needs him. The whole team needs his skills.

It isn't a coincidence that the Devils get crazy good as soon as he returns.

Also, the Parise-Zajac bromance is seriously underrated. Like, no one knows or cares about it but it's there and it's epic.

Hey, Patrik Elias. He still plays for the Devils.

We find it humorous that he is wearing dress pants with the red hooded sweatshirt. Interesting combination, must be a European thing.

Seriously, NHL Network has to get their audio shit together.

Anton Volchenkov sighting! He still looks like a little boy, aw.

Zach.

Zach Parise.

That face. That hair. The skillz. The smile. An American. The Captain. So many reasons to love him and so many reasons why we would be okay with him winning the Stanley Cup and raising it. So many reasons.

Ilya Kovalchuk. What are those black pinstripe pants? Did Mr. Weekes pick those our for you? Holy rusted metal, they're bad.

Also his hair, it's very Howdy Doody in this picture.

Onto the Kings!

Oh jeez, Jonathan Quick.

Who do you think you are? Eminem? What's with the hood and the hat? Is it cold in the Prudential Center?

We will say it again, goalies are weird.

(PS- NHL.com totally stole our joke.

We are not amused by it at all.)

Dustin Brown looks like he would rather be anywhere but where he is at Media Day. Also, he looks a lot like Captain Quint from 'Jaws'. Don't deny it, he does.

*Fun fact - first time in NHL history that two American captains will be facing off against each other...America, hell yeah.*

Drew Doughty.

Noodles needs a minute. Or eight. (Oh, see what we did there...)

There is so much about him that is perfect. Like the beard. And the dominance he's displayed in the playoffs so far. He's definitely a huge part of the Kings success so far.

Anze Kopitar is up next. He has no accent, how is that possible?

But he has extremely unfortunate hair. Very, very unfortunate. And a monotone voice that rivals Captain Toews. Jeez, maybe Kopitar really is a zombie...

Drew Doughty again? He makes a joke about people thinking the LA Kings are the Sacramento Kings and no one laughs. It's okay, Drew. We laughed. We truly did.

Aw, Luc Robitaille is an adorable silver fox.

And then they go to Jeff Carter.

Holy meat and potatoes, he looks like a blonde lumberjack with that beard. We don't remember it being that powerful when he was with the Flyers. Also, doesn't he look less orange? Maybe Mikey won't let him near the tanning salons now that they live in LA.

We might not have mentioned it yet but seeing Doug Weight on NHL Network gets our eyelashes a-batting. He is another sexy silver fox that we appreciate looking at as he sits next to dapper Kevin Weekes.

Ohhh speaking of the devil, here's Mike Richards.

His voice just, is awful. It sounds like he's whining the whole time and it's hard to get past that. But then he talks about the trade and we can feel Jeffy cringing from here.

And then he mentions that he and Jeff are living together. Unprompted. Of course. And it's adorable.

OMG Darryl Sutter's shirt...he looks like a farmer.

Also, his voice is gonna put us to sleep.

The End.

-&-

And as always, there are a ton of photos of the guys from both teams that the NHL Network decided were not worth the time to show on their THREE HOUR SHOW! Seriously, we have to look at a bloated and red-faced Barry Melrose incorrectly predict everything instead of listening to the players that were not interviewed.

There were rookies/sort of rookies crammed at a table and no one talked to them? Jeeeeeeeeesus people. We should be running the NHL Network.

Anyway, here are the pictures of the guys that were not interviewed and we have the questions that we think should have been asked of them.

How does it feel to be the only thirty-goal scored from the 2011-2012 season that no one knows about?
Who is the better American: Zach Parise or Patrick Kane? Try not to be biased.
PS, you are definitely rocking a ginger beard.

So, we can like you now that you're not a Flyer anymore. How do you feel about that?
Are you excited to be reunited with the BROMANCE OF THE CENTURY in Richards and Carter? Are there a lot of long-suffering sighs and looks of love between them in the locker room? How does that make you feel?

And you are?
We don't think we've ever seen you play a game as a Devil? Do not lie to us.

You're Swedish? You're lying.
How are you a brunette and allowed to say that you're Swedish? Isn't that illegal? Did your mother keep you in a basement until you escaped to America where no one would know you were the black sheep of the family?

How does it feel to be another cog in the Devils defense system?
How does it feel to have no one know your name? Except your teammates, of course.
But really...

Bob. Bobby. We were going to talk to you about hockey but then changed our minds.
How's Courtney? We miss our den mother. Will you let her know that we still want her in Pittsburgh if she will have us?

What are you looking at?
You're adorable, you know that? We like everything about your face, sir. It's a very nice face.

You're a Devil? Really? Huh. Completely forgot that.

Oh, Willie.
How long is your stick really? We don't need someone else accusing you of having an illegal stick.
We're just wondering...for science.

-&-

We hope you enjoyed our recap of this spectacular day and also our hard-hitting questions as journalists. Or something like that.