Because they were horrifying awful.
Now, we understand that they felt the need to do a guy from every team to be fair. And we have no problem with that. What we have a problem with is the fact that they most likely picked either a big name or a captain.
Do some research, stop being lazy like us. Even we put more effort into lists.
(Warning: this post will contain gratuitous use of caps lock)
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Washington Capitals - Mike Green
Mike isn’t as flashy as his superstar teammate Alexander Ovechkin, but his talent (and pouty lips) don’t go unnoticed by us.
Isn't as flashy? Really? Because we think that's a lie.
The pouty lips is kinda true. We will give them that.
Our pick from the Capitals - Brooks Laich
HOW COULD WE NOT?! He saves women on the side of the road and pulls a Messier guarantee. And yeah, he's good-looking.
San Jose Sharks - Antti Niemi
Is it just us, or does Antti bear a crazy-strong resemblance to Twilight hottie Kellan Lutz?
Kellan Lutz?
Kellan. Lutz. No. Just no, get away from us with that. We can't even discuss that comparison it hurts so bad.
Our pick from the Sharks - Torrey Mitchell
This is because Henrik told us if we didn't pick him she would murderize us and bake us in lemon bars. No joke.
Nashville Predators - Mike Fisher
It’s easy to see why Carrie Underwood fell for this sexy Predator.
Is it? Because we don't see it. Never have though. The women in Nashville love him though so maybe we are in the minority on this.
Our pick from the Predators - Colin Wilson
It's all in the smile. Aw, he's just too precious for words. (Curtis approved pick.)
Carolina Hurricanes - Cam Ward
Goaltender Cam isn’t just hot—he’s also really active in charity work and community service.
Charity gives us hives, unless it's for the charities that we promote. He's cute but 'hot'? No.
Our pick from the Hurricanes - Brandon Sutter
BECAUSE OF REASONS. If you read our blog enough then you know why. Also, he's starting to fill out a little more since his rookie year. A little at least. We should have a Jimmy Johns installed in his house.
Philadelphia Flyers - Wayne Simmonds
This right winger's teammates call him "Simmer." Oh yeah, we can see that.
LOLZ. We're impressed they know his nickname. But we like to call him one half of the former duo, Salt n Pepper. Drew Doughty misses his bro, you know it.
Our pick from the Flyers - Brayden Schenn
BECAUSE IT'S A SCHENN. That should be reason enough. And he's a freaking beast when it matters. And Curtis had a say in this list.
Winnipeg Jets - Andrew Ladd
This hot captain is known for his stick-handling skills.
Stick-handling skills? Honestly if you saw that description without a picture you would have no idea who they were talking about and Ladd is not the first captain that would come to mind. Awful.
Our pick from the Jets - Zach Bogosian
He was on our underrated hotties list for a reason. It's like no one cares that he exists but we care, we care. We really do.
Florida Panthers - Kris Versteeg
Yup, we think that girl’s expression pretty much sums it up.
If you're gonna pick him at least say something about his winning sense of humor. Or the karaoke skills. Or anything. Just give us a reason to say 'Okay, yeah.' Also, he needs to cut his hair. Now.
Our pick from the Panthers - Erik Gudbranson.
Age is just a number. There is no debate on this.
New Jersey Devils - Zach Parise
This New Jersey Devils captain volunteers for Jersey public libraries in his spare time. Aww.
Seriously, that makes him the hottest from the Devils? Not his winning smile or the fact that he's American or that he's really good? Okay then.
Our pick from the Devils - Adam Henrique
Parise's reign as the hottest Devil is over. The crown now belongs to Henrique and his perfect cheekbones.
New York Rangers - Henrik Lundqvist
This hottie goalie is married—but he has an identical twin brother who plays pro hockey in Sweden. Yum.
Isn't his brother married too? Why do we care? Also, Joel may be identical but Henrik is definitely the hotter of the two. Sorry, but it's true.
Our pick from the Rangers - Henrik Lundqvist
Yeah, we had to agree. Honestly, find a woman who doesn't like him and we will be shocked.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Sidney Crosby
A bad concussion almost kept him out of the 2011-2012 season. We’re amped sexy Sid made it back
'Sexy Sid', lol. Listen to us laugh hysterically at him being called that. Coooooooome on. Hahahahaha, he has a nice hockey ass but that's all we will give him.
Our pick from the Penguins - Jordan Staal
The sexiest sod-farmer in all of hockey. Boom.
Phoenix Coyotes - Shane Doan
Sexy Shane once hit a puck so hard, it broke in two.
No, just no. And breaking a puck in two isn't sexy, it's scary as hell. Also, the puck was probably defective anyway. Or a trick one to impress the women.
Our pick from the Coyotes - Oliver Ekman-Larsson
When in doubt, go Swedish. He has a sweet face, plays defense and is an unsung hero on the Coyotes. And dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween.
Los Angeles Kings - Dustin Brown
Dustin fun fact: At 23, he was the youngest man to be named a Kings captain
WHY DUSTIN BROWN? WHAT IS IS WITH HIM AND BEING NAMED SEXY???? NOOOOOOOOO! We do not approve of this choice...obviously. He's not sexy, no.
Our pick from the Kings - Jonathan Bernier
Because, look at that face.
Anaheim Ducks - Bobby Ryan
No doubt he scares the hell out of his opponents, but we can’t get over the adorable dimple in his chin
That description is what made us say no to him being picked. How does Bobby 'scare the hell out of his opponents'? By being sweet to them and then smiling? He's a giant teddy bear who sometimes scores. No.
Our pick from the Ducks - Cam Fowler
Now this is a sweet face. And he couldn't scare a fly if he tried. Or something like that.
Vancouver Canucks - Ryan Kesler
Hottie Ryan loves his fans—he’s big on retweeting them.
And that makes him hot? You do not make sense.
Our pick from the Canucks - Zack Kassian
'nuff said
Minnesota Wild - Mikko Koivu
Mikko doesn’t just bring it on the ice—he donates a suite at the Minnesota Wild’s stadium to children with serious medical conditions.
We admit, we like him. It was a pretty good choice. And it is sweet that he donates a suite for sick children. We have nothing bad to say about this choice except we have a better one.
Our pick from the Wild - Marco Scandella
Dreamiest face. It belongs in the glossy pages of Tiger Beat alongside Justin Bieber.
Edmonton Oilers - Ales Hensky
Sexy Ales scored his first hat trick this year. Clearly, he knows how to use his stick.
Oh my god, 'Clearly, he knows how to use his stick.' No, we just can't stop laughing at that. Have we used that before to describe someone on this blog? If we have, we apologize profusely.
Our pick from the Oilers - Sam Gagner
He scored eight points in one game so clearly he knows how to use his stick. Or something.
Colorado Avalanche - Matt Duchene
This center has a sexy Canadian accent.
This is our son. We cannot say the word 'sexy' with our son, no way. And what even is a Canadian accent? No. Sexy. No.
Our pick from the Avalanche - Gabriel Landeskog
There should be no debate on this. He is Swedish, hates everything secretly and rants about things he hates on his Twitter. We love his face.
Calgary Flames - Mike Cammalleri
FYI, Mike has been called a “natural scorer.”
Inappropriate use of sexual innuendo and awful. Just awful. And he's not allowed to be anywhere near our fiveholes.
Our pick from the Flames - Mikael Backlund
When in doubt, pick a Swede.
St. Louis Blues - TJ Oshie
T.J. can stare at us like that all day.
TJ, you cannot stare at us like that all day. You can take us out to a nice dinner and then maybe a movie and then a nice make-out afterwards.
Our pick from the Blues - TJ Oshie, Patrik Berglund & Alex Pietrangelo
Yes, all of them. All day, every day.
Detroit Red Wings - Nicklas Lidstrom
Hottie Nicklas has won four Stanley Cups
Hottie? Why do you do this to us? We hate you. He's the perfect human and the perfect Swede but we can't see him as a hottie.
Our pick from the Red Wings - Darren Helm
We've always thought he was attractive and it just makes sense to us to have him on this list.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Rick Nash
Take it off, Rick. Take it all off
No, please, keep it on. Fat Rick Nash, keep it on forever and ever.
Our pick from the Blue Jackets - Derick Brassard
Take it off, Derick. Take it all off. That's better.
Chicago Blackhawks - Patrick Sharp
Patrick was named one of the 50 most beautiful Chicagoans last year
Yes, it's wonderful that he was voted that. But it was last year and the age is starting to show on his face. Mean, yes. True, yes.
Our pick from the Blackhawks - Niklas Hjalmarsson
He looks like a Swedish clone fabricated at IKEA. We're totally okay with that of course. Especially if he's shirtless.
Tampa Bay Lightning - Martin St. Louis
This right winger always brings the sexy to the ice.
Hahahahahahahahahaha does he? We didn't know that at all.
Our pick from the Lightning - Steven Stamkos
Gotta give some love to the blondes in the NHL. When he cuts his hair, he ain't so bad. Also, you gotta love a guy who knows how to score.
Montreal Canadiens - Max Pacioretty
We'd love to go head-to-head with this sexy left wing.
Uh, what? We would not like to go head-to-head with anyone especially if it's a 6-foot plus hockey player. He would crush us.
Our pick from the Canadiens - Yannick Weber
Because defensemen are never picked and he has a sweet face and everyone cares about Carey Price anyway so we're going in a different direction than everything else.
Toronto Maple Leafs - Mikhail Grabovski
This sexy center earns $5.5 million a year. Wow
Are we supposed to be impressed by how much he earns? We want to know his shooting percentage and how many goals he has and what his plus-minus is before we think he's sexy.
Our pick from the Maple Leafs - Luke Schenn
BECAUSE HE'S A SCHENN! Duh. And other reasons.
Ottawa Senators - Erik Karlsson
This hottie had the most points out of all defensemen in the NHL this season. He can score with us any time.
He cannot score with us any time. We would like to be warned in advanced when he would like to 'score' with us and where so we can alert our friends just in case we never make it back.
Our pick from the Senators - Peter Regin
He's Danish and pretty and even though he's injured we still have seen him play and he can definitely score on us (with advanced warning and a nice dinner beforehand).
Buffalo Sabres - Jason Pominville
We’d let this sexy Sabres captain run our team any day.
That doesn't make any sense at all. But we would let him run our team if he was the captain. He does a pretty good job in that area.
Our pick from the Sabres - Marcus Foligno
DUH! He got the pretty genes.
Boston Bruins - Milan Lucic
This handsome left wing is a fierce competitor—and a Stanley Cup winner.
They called him 'handsome' and not 'sexy'. We lol'd about that for like twenty minutes then continued on with this post. He's okay but not handsome, sorry.
Our pick from the Bruins - Gregory Campbell
Because he was on our underrated list and totally deserves to be on any hottest hockey player list ever created. He shouldn't be underrated anymore!
New York Islanders - John Tavares
This center has been called a natural leader on the ice. We like a man who knows how to call the shots.
We have absolutely no qualms about this description. But the picture they used could be better.
Our pick for the Islanders - duh John Tavares
Better. This picture makes an appearance on the blog at least once a month. No regrets.
Dallas Stars - Brendan Morrow
Brenden missed most of the season due to an injury but was back (and hotter than ever) in March.
Nope. He was not hotter than ever in March. That's a bold-faced lie.
Our pick for the Stars - Richard Bachman
Goaltender. Up-and-coming hottie. Get on this bandwagon, girls.
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We hope you enjoyed our list and our analysis.
Let us know what you think in the comments.
20 comments:
So much secondhand embarrassment from the original list. Dustin Brown? Really? And as much as I love Grabovski he could never in a million years be called hot.
Agree with most of your picks, although I might go for Theodore over Gudbranson. And I'm still beating the Teemu drum for Anaheim, of course, but I really need to stop talking about Teemu on this blog...sorry guys... :)
The original list was horrible and I love your assessment of it but I think we'll all have our biases. As a Leafs fan, I can see where you're coming from on Schenn but Lupul? One of the reasons I considered the original lists invalid was his exclusion.
Great list though because it wasn't the typical sexy hockey players but rather one from each team. Some teams just don't have much and others have too much.
First, I must commend you for restraining yourselves from just picking any given member of the Oilers to be the hottest guy on every other team. When I first saw this, I immediately thought, "Oh for sure they're just gonna pick an Oiler as the hottest guy on all 30 teams." You know you wanted to!!! So, huzzah for being fair and square and not doing that. But why not put together an alternate piece wherein you DO do that, so we can see your for reals hottest hockey player Oilers picks for each team?!
I know. I'm just despicable, right?
Anyway - this is exactly what I needed this week for a lot of reasons and I'm so happy you did it. I needed to laugh. Big time. And it's always fun to watch you guys go crazy with your unabashed manchildren fetish and your weakness for boys from Sweden and Armenian dudes. Awesome. Favorite part: "'Take it off, Rick. Take it all off.' No, please, keep it on. Fat Rick Nash, keep it on forever and ever." Ya think?! I'm still LOL'ing. They certainly did a stellar job of picking way too many obvious or straight-up repulsive "hotties" - typical Cosmo.
While several of my picks would have been very different from yours, the only guys I would straight-up delete from your list would be Stamkos (he looks like a marsupial regardless of hair length); Brayden Schenn (don't hate me but I think he needs to grow out of his zit-phase until he can be deemed hot like his broseph); Henrique (WAY too CW); Mitchell (don't even get me started - he's a spoiled trustapharian with THINNING HAIR, c'mon! I hate the Sharks but there ARE some hot guys on their team...); and Hjalmarsson (he looks like Bambi in the beginning stages of a gender transformation procedure AND he's got a box of hair for brains which is not at all hot - I like 'em stupid but not THIS stupid).
Finally, the Blues Hottie Trifecta was the icing on the cake. More, please!
First, the use of my son on this list makes me slightly uncomfortable.....
This list as a whole however is much better than that aweful Cosmo list. I swear it was put togehther by a blind straight man. No woman would ever do that to the rest of humanity.
I approve of your list, especially the excessive use of Schenns and Swedes. Sweden is God's Country.
I am utterly and completely baffled at how you don't think Nick Lidstrom is a "hottie." He melts my butter!
I can't abide by a list that doesn't include CLOAD.
The Cosmo list was laughable though. And I love my keeper Cam Ward. Cam Ward is one of the most adorable men I have ever laid eyes on. But I cannot call him sexy. He is VERY attractive. But he's Cam Ward and that just is wrong! I just want to cuddle him. I think I just want to be friends with my goalie!
Ok, I won't go through every selection, but I have to disagree with you regarding your Ducks choice. The only name that should have come to mind was "Teemu". (@girlandwagon - there is no such thing as talking about Teemu too much)
Also, I'm very upset that you picked on my Nash. I think he's an adorable teddy bear. He's not fat, he's cuddly. :P
I also have to strongly disagree with your dismissal of Sexy Sid. No way I'd take Staal over him.
However, and it should be no surprise by now, that I wholeheartedly approve of Campbell over Lucic. I purr just thinking about him and his whiskers.
On a side note - you picked so many Swedes you totally confused me with your non-Swede choice from the Swedish Red Wings.
Obviously, these Cosmo people know as much about hockey as ESPN does... what a fail of a list. I'm with Gemma on this one: JOFFREY. LUPUL. On what planet does Grabovski even come close to Joffrey in the looks department?
Sad that Claude wasn't included though- much better than Schenn(even if he is a Schenn).. this list is lacking in the ginger love. Also, thank you for including my WJC baby Marcus in this list. Hell yes the best looking Sabre, even though he's not technically a Sabre anymore- he was returned to the Amerks for their playoff push.
All that said, luckily for us, Cosmo managed to avoid tapping into the true hot man goldmine that is the NHL, more for the rest of us ladies ;)
@Everyone Re: B Schenn- Noodles didn't actually get a say because Brayden has been one of my favourite players since he was 15/16. The wedding is soon. You're all invited. We have a Schenn soft-spot. Can't be helped. Apologies to our Leafs girls!
"When in doubt, pick a Swede." -I so agree with this! Love your list, but Steven Stamkos is not hot. Something about his face...
Also, I'd pick Blake Wheeler for the Jets and Andrew Ference for Boston. The only attractive man in a Bruins uniform. ;)
@kim.ber.li I know Gregory isn't everyone's cup 'o hot tea, but Ference is the only attractive B??? Did you forget about Patrice? The poor man. Everyone always forgets about him. :(
Forgiven! They are, after all, Schenns ;)
I would have gone Val Filppula over Helmer and totes agree with not calling the Captain a "hottie". Love Lids and he's ridiculously good looking, but "hottie" isn't the best way to describe the man. Also, how did Stecks not make this list or Erik Karlsson or Eric Staal, and Niemi? Hot? Uhhh Noooot! just saying'.
p.s. Sharpie's still hot. Thanks!
LOLZ SO TRUE I agree with everything! I just wish you had added Ilya Kovalchuk...he is hot in my opinion!
Andrew Ladd? Awful! Marty St. Louis? dreadful! LOL
I mean they really need to be cute to be sexy! Sorry guys, same rules apply to gals! :)
LOLZ SO TRUE I agree with everything! I just wish you had added Ilya Kovalchuk...he is hot in my opinion!
Andrew Ladd? Awful! Marty St. Louis? dreadful! LOL
I mean they really need to be cute to be sexy! Sorry guys, same rules apply to gals! :)
Little intel on the younger Schenn, he is roomies with CLOAD. Really, really.
Claude Giroux..yeah he's cute... :)
What? How is there so much WRONG on the INTERNET???
Canucks: Kevin Bieksa is clearly the sexiest of them all.
Coyotes: Taylor Pyatt wins. Because I have eyes, I know this to be true.
Hurricanes: Eric Staal, by virtue of being a Staal.
Canadiens: Carey Price, OBVIOUSLY.
Florida Panthers: Peter Mueller.
Los Angeles Kings: Mike Richards and Trevor Lewis.
New Jersey Devils: David Clarcson.
Pheonix Coyotes: Taylor Pyatt
Philadelphia Flyers: Claude Giroux, Daniel Briere and Jakub Voracek.
Vancouver Canucks: Kevin Bieksa.
Washington Capitals: Alexander Semin and Nicklas Backstrom.
Winnipeg Jets: Blake Wheeler.
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