Name
Gary Roberts
Current Position
player development consultant for the Dallas Stars
Former Position
legendary power forward and ass-kicker
Why He's Amazing
had his neck broken, played 10 more seasons and beat up Wade Redden
Why He's (Still) Sexy As Hell
he's helping the new crop of youngsters train and eat right to stay healthy and be the best that they can be
What You Would Do On A Date
It would be an early morning expedition to Whole Foods as your first date. He talks to you about the benefits of fiber and leafy greens as you peruse the various organic vegetables and meats.
You both make a salad, his eyebrows judging the amount of dressing you put on but you just ignore him. As you eat your salads, Gary Roberts jots down an exercise regimen that he thinks will benefit you.
9 comments:
Strangely enough, I would be up for this date only because if I could get some workout tips for free (or, you know, an obligatory HJ) rather than paying the ridiculous fee he charges for such knowledge, it'd be a win-win. Then I could use that to get myself smokin' hot and ready to corner Hossa in the player parking lot.
Yes please. What a man.
"As you eat your salads, Gary Roberts jots down an exercise regimen that he thinks will benefit you."
The two of you then get comfy on the beanie chairs in his den, where you watch a riveting WebMD/Discovery Channel co-produced interactive documentary entitled, "Yo, Fatass: The Evolution of Triglycerides." He pauses every 5 minutes to remind you of just how evil JetPuffs really are. Just in case you forgot.
Half an hour into "Yo, Fatass...", a sharp, piercing pain overwhelms your bowel. You realize nature isn't just calling, it's fucking YELLING AT YOU from too much bok choy and that bowl of dirt Gary forced you to eat for dessert. You depth-charge a SBD and hastily retire to the washroom to make a Number 5. Not a Number 2. Or a Number 3.
A NUMBER 5 (FIVE).
Your butthole feels like an open flame. Impatient, Gary knocks on the door and demands to know what you're "doing in there?! Are you defecating?! Eh? Eh? Are you?"
He then breaks down the door and proceeds to inspect your business. He grabs a flashlight and heat-seeking goggles. "Gotta make sure you didn't cheat -- Oh wait. No, no it's okay. I'm not seeing any corn kernels or chocolate chips in there. You're good. Well done!"
He reaches behind his ear and pulls out a tube of industrial-strength butt salve. "Here, try some of this. My proctologist gave me an open prescription for it. Give it an hour and the swelling will go down. It takes about a day for the seepage to stop, though."
Yeah, he's a veritable dreamboat. The best date EVER. NOT!!!! And he keeps a tube of ass cream behind his ear.
I quite fancied a date with Robs until I read MouthGuard's post......
@AussieGal: A tube of ass cream. Behind his ear. That's all anybody needs to remember. It might be organic ass cream. But that's neither here nor (down)there.
And by (down)there, my friend, I do not mean Down Under!!! ;) xxx MG
I would risk the anal seepage for the soul purpose of meeting the Stars. How sad is that?
@Shanny-nay-nay: As the great Ross Perot used to say, "See now, that's just sad." It's sad and I wouldn't want to be your nether-region.
I'm sure there have been other times when the term "anal seepage" popped up on this blog, right? Right? Anal seepage could also be code for BizNasty...
Absolutely! I've been crushing on him for years. I don't care what anyone says, I think he'd be fun to hang out with.
Anyway, my fat ass could use some help.
@Mouthguard LMAO I just spat coffee all over my keyboard.
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