It's A Team Effort, Right?.....Game-Fifty: Penguins At Devils

Watching NHL on the Fly has always been one of our favorite post-game activities. Until Noodles had a complete meltdown ten minutes into last night's installment.

And all it took was one of the analysts mentioning how Ryan Whitney was in the movie Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events, "Oh, I didn't know Whitney was the star of that movie."

She ranted about how people need to see past this whole "BLAME RYAN WHITNEY BLAH KILL HIM NOW TRADE HIM FOR A BENCH!" bullshit.

It's a team problem.

There's something wrong with the team. No one but Sidney Crosby, Marc-Andre Fleury and Evgeni Malkin are getting their jobs done.

A two-goal lead can be blown, it happens. But not every other game should it happen.

Maybe it's the coaches.

Maybe it's the captain.

Maybe it's the fatigue.

Maybe it's all of it.


We don't think we've ever seen her that angry and had to pull her away from the Adobe Photoshop before she did something drastic.

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We would just like to take the time to talk about Jordan Staal.

Why did Shero sign him to such a lucrative and long contract. Like, WTF? Why?

He's constantly a minus and always on the ice when the opposition scores either a game-tying or game-winning goal.

And he's supposed to be our defensive third-line center? Nice try, Shero.

Trade him.

We don't need that dead weight on this team. He's soft. At 6'4" and 220lbs, Staal is supposed to be punishing other, smaller forwards. When was the last time you said, "Wow, did you see that hit Jordan just laid out on Daniel Alfredsson?"

Yeah, we never said it either.

Get rid of him. The Penguins don't need another center. We have too many. And the ones that we do have are way better than him anyway.

Staal is also useless on the penalty kill. He's always getting in the way and deflecting pucks into the net with his skate. We have Dumper Bob for that, we don't need Staal doing it as well.

His rookie season was impressive. He had 29 goals and 13 assists. Obviously, he will never be that great again.

Trade Jordan Staal right now for a winger for Sidney Crosby. Do it.

/sarcasm.

Just Some Random Thoughts For A Friday

Instead of watching the Penguins/Devils game we went to the Robert Morris University game. They played the Bemidji State University Naked Mole Rats or something like that.

It was a fun game. We got seats right at the glass and had a couple hits right where we were. It was amazing and cold and the Colonials lost yet we still loved it.

And at least we didn't have to watch the Penguins give up a two-goal lead. We don't know why it suprises us because that has been the Penguins M.O. this whole season.

Jamie Langenbrunner can just stop touching Travis Zajac and Zach Parise because it makes us uncomfortable.

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These are a few links that we found while raping the interwebs before the All Star break.

-James Wisniewski has his own clothing line. Link. We wants one of these.


-An article about the awesomeness that is Kris Letang. Link.

-Shea Weber is one of our favorite defensemen and these are two articles that proves our love for him. Link-1. Link-2.

-We love you Kris Versteeg. Link.



What an awkward video.

-Oh, look. Another article praising the awesomeness that is Kris Letang. What a shock. Link.

-Little video about the Nashville Predators and what they do in the community.


Shea Weber's little hook move was awesome.

It's a Kris Letang night in Pittsburgh.....Game Forty-Nine: Rangers at Penguins

Penguins-6 Rangers-2



Apparently King Henrik didn't get the memo about Kris Letang coming to de-throne him.





He was in the Youngstars (and had a goal), was on Inside Pens, was the cover of ice time, and had a video with Geno from the All Stars.

Dear man wear # 58,

What the hell did you do with the real Kris, and where the hell did hide him?

Sincerly Lemang lover,

Letude.

I think that Sid and Kris decided it would be funny to switch jersey's. His second goal can only be described as a Sidney Crosby like goal, a.k.a. SEX ON ICE.

Bitch had 22:05 TOI, 5 shots on goal, and 2 goals. Whoa. Game of his life I think. Since I couldn't go to the game, at one point I had to text Noodles and make sure my Baby D wasn't being used as a forward. I mean c'mon, at one point he was behind Henrik while a 2-1 was breaking out. W-T-F. No one is more happy then me though, I had my Lemangs out in numbers and Noodles reported back that she's never seen so many happy 40 year old men when a goal was scored. She even got a high five from the 40 year old man next to her, when Kris scored.



But not to be overlooked, all the other bitches had fantastical games as well. Petr Gun with two goals, Sid with an INSANE backhanded goal and 4 f-ing points, Staalsy pass to Henrik's skate which results in a goal, Geno BACKCHECKING, that alone deserves a highlight, and of course the Flower standing tall and not wilting.



As if Rangers fans don't hate Redden enough, he took a stupid penalty that resulted in a goal, ha.

Jordan Staal loves Henrik. Loves him so much he has to always score on him.

Did I mention Sid's goal? Whoa.





Ryan Whitney hit someone?! Yeah. Then he almost got ass raped for it.

Matt Cooke was there in spirit.

Apparently Ryan Whitney was not impressed.



Eric Godard OWNED Colon Orr for the 3rd straight time. I don't think he's ever going to win against Godard.



Zherdev didn't want any piece of Bissonnette. Bitch. Scared of a WBS boy, eh? Thought so.



People had a shit fit over putting out our top PP unit when we were already raping them. Whatever. We need whatever we can get right now.



Bottom line We won. And damn it felt good.

Who's Afraid Of Henrik Lundqvist?

Didn't the Penguins just play the Rangers? Do you mean that we have to see them again?

Dammit!

Hopefully Henrik Lundqvist is tired from romping around the All Stars Game (you know those Swedes like to party) and lets the Penguins win.


(Was that an inappropriate picture to post?)


If Henrik didn't party then we're screwed.

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The Feed Brandon Sutter Fund


A few weeks ago, Macke sent us one of the most fantastic presents ever.

And we got to debut it at the Pens/Canes game.


What a fucking shirt, seriously.

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Pants For Whits


A little update on this charity: Apparently, Ryan Whitney still does not know how to dress.



His teammates are fine but he just doesn't understand the beauty of a good pair of jeans.


Example of good jeans.

We can only hope that one day it will be possible for the man to get a good pair of jeans.

Sing It For Me - What Our Boys Karaoke To

Every person has that one song that defines them, that one song that they always have to sing when drunk and "forced" into a round of karaoke.

These are the songs that some of our favorite (and most hated) players sing when alone in the shower or in front of a crowd of other drunk NHL-ers.

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Kris Versteeg - Glamorous by Fergie because it's like his most favoritest song in the entire world.

Henrik Zetterberg - Machinehead by Bush because he looks like Gavin Rossdale.

Shea Weber - Smack My Bitch Up by Prodigy because that's what he does to his bitches.

Ryan Whitney - Pony by Ginuwine because he thinks he's a sex machine.

Jordan Staal - Girls Just Want To Have Fun or as Jordan sings it when he's super drunk, "Oooooh Staals just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper.

Scottie Upshall - Womanizer by Britney Spears because he once had a foursome and Joffrey Lupul was not involved.

Dion Phaneuf - Firestarter by Prodigy because he's a Flamer.

Kevin Bieksa - Hell's Bells because AC/DC is melt-your-face-off music and that's all Kevin listens to.

Kris Letang - Whatever You Like by T.I. because "I'm talkin' big boy rides and big boy ice/Let me put this big boy in yo life" and Kris Letang is a big boy and listens to big boy music.

Brad Boyes - Do You Know? by Enrique Iglesias because does anyone know what it feels like to be traded like four times before you even make it to the NHL?

Patrice Bergeron - Boston by Augustana because he's a sad-bastard and it's totally his type of song.

Jarkko Ruutu - Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting) by Elton John. Pretty self-explanatory.

Henrik Lundqvist - Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond because it means he has won the game.

Jonathan Toews - Go Johnny Go by Chuck Berry because, well, it's his name? And because it's a serious song for serious Captains.

Alex Goligoski - What Is Love? by Haddaway because he is totally Doug Butabi and "I can't help it, man, it's hottie overload" he would totally say that.

Steve Bernier - You're The One For Me, Fatty by Morrissey because he is a fatty (maybe former fatty? still not sure) and Morrissey fits him.

Hal Gill - Shake It by Metro Station because the big man just likes to shake it sometimes, even during play off games against the Rangers after Adam Hall scores an empty netter.

Ethan Moreau - Private Eyes by Hall & Oates because he does the claps in the song without even thinking. What a freakin' captain.

Eric Godard - Mama Said Knock You Out by L.L. Cool J. Pretty self-explanatory, right? We thought so.

Patrick Kane - Rock You Like A Hurricane by Scorpions...apparently little man doesn't like the song but we do and we like singing "Rock you like a PattyKane!" because it's funny.

Jack Johnson - Robocop by Kanye West because the man is made of metal and is a total machine. That and we bet he does the robot when drunk.

Brandon Dubinsky - New York, New York by Frank Sinatra just because we can see him totally jamming out to this song, doing his best Sinatra impression.

Darryl Sydor - I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford because it's Willa Ford and she's married to Mike Modano.

Mike Richards - I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry because he has kissed one girl but didn't like it and that's why he sticks to men.

Sidney Crosby - I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Imagine Captain dancing to this in his room while stripping in front of his mirror. Yeah, try to get that out of your head now.

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If you have any suggestions for songs please comment with them and we will have a part two. You can even do players we already did because we're cool like that.

And if you don't agree with what we did, you can tell us. But we might not listen.

Awards Monday: Week Seventeen

The week was cut a little short by the All Star Break but we just included that in our choices because we could.

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Hottie Of The Week


These dudes.



Seriously, what were they thinking? Can you imagine how they planned this out. It probably went something like this:

Habs Dude: "Hey, hey guys, I've got this awesome idea. Why don't we all buy Canadian team jerseys and wear them to the All Star Game."

Canucks Dude: "I get Vancouver because I am an irrational Mats Sundin fan."

Leafs Dude: "I'm wearing my Maple Leafs Mayor jersey. Because I'm old and I think it's funny."

Oilers Dude: "I will do whatever it takes to get on the Jumbotron."

Senators Dude: "I wanna wear that wig I bought from Canadian Tire."

Silence.

Habs Dude: "Okay. Guess we can incorporate that."

All of the Dudes: "Yay!"

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Commercial Of The Night


Edmonton Oilers post-game.



Definitely not a commercial but we just wanted an excuse to post this. It is the post-game from the Oilers game on January 18th when Ethan Moreau scored his first NHL hat trick.

We want a locker room like that. They were definitely having fun. And someone's got to get the Penguins to do the clap in "Private Eyes" in their locker room.

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The Ryan Malone Wheaties Award


Alex Kovalev



The man owned the All Stars Game. But we had one question...Where is the -ei at the end of his first name? Is it too Russian? Does he not like it anymore?

Miss Cleo We Ain't

Our side-jobs as clairvoyants and prognosticators were crap. We tried. A few of us got close so we shall review our choices and who won...

Fastest Skater - Andrew Cogliano


Winner: Macke
What started out as a joke was the winning vote for her Oilers boy. We were shocked to even see him in the competition.


Breakaway Challenge - Alex Ovechkin, shockingly


Winner: none of us.
We were all jokes and picked either Ryan Getzlaf or Alexei Kovalev.


Youngstars Game - Rookies


Winner: Noodles
She was the only one to pick them to win it. She knew the offensive talent the kids had. That and the fact that Carey Price just does not give a shit.


Accuracy - Evgeni Malkin


Winner: LeTude, Zoe and Kim
This win shocked us. It's because of the haircut. That's why he did so well. We're still in shock.


Hardest Shot - Zdeno Chara


Winner: Zoe and Kim
They were right on the money about Chara although Shea Weber honestly gave Chara a little run for his money.


Elimination Shootout - Shane Doan

Winner: none of us
Who would have thought that Shane Doan would be the last man standing in a shootout. At least Marc Savard was in it to the end and he cracked us up with his observations.

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Last night was a night of revelations.

Henrik has officially jumped off the Hate-Malkin bandwagon. And all because he touched Alex Ovechkin. Again.


Malkin didn't fail. He won the accuracy. We are still amazed.

Marc Savard was adorable. And we loved his comments during the Elimination Shootout and cracked us up.

The Rookies were lighting it up as if winning mattered in the All Star Game.

And we think that's it. We're going to watch the game.

Predictions For The Super Skills

This is a joint venture, kind of like the All Stars Game. But with blogs coming together, not overrated and conceited hockey players.

We would like to thank the ladies from the PuckHuffers for participating in this event because Pavel Datsyuk and Nick Lidstrom refused to show up.

And of course thank our contributers Mackes and LeTude for giving of their time to this.

Because even though the All Stars Game doesn't matter, it's still fun and loose and crazy.

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Fastest Skater

Henrik- Jeffy's a no-go because he was picked out of pity to participate in this skill. I'm going to go with Zachy because he's the cutest.

Noodles- Zach. If Hal Gill was there, he would win it but he's not so Zach is the next logical choice.

Macke- Looking at the guys competing... I choose none and vote for Andrew Cogliano.

LeTude- Not Jeff Carter obviously. I'll go with Brian Campbell.

Zoe- Clearly Tyler Kennedy was overlooked. Parise seems like the guy to win, but who the fuck knows. Races are jokes.

Kim- I'm with you, this is all null and void because TK is clearly the fastest man alive. Then again, maybe they are really just looking for the second best because no one else could come close and they didn't want to ruin the fun. Either way, Imma say Campbell. He had SARS.


The Breakaway Challenge

Henrik- Kovalev's kinda crafty but maybe Kane and Getzlaf can get it done, but because I have to pick one it's Ryan Getzlaf because Patty is a little full of himself.

Noodles- Kovalev can get it done. I can only hope that Ovechkin embarrasses himself.

Macke- Alexei Kovalev because he's Russian and Russians are f-ing tricky.

LeTude- Kaner because of that awesome sliding hand-pass move but then again I may go with Getzlaf because he called Ovechkin overrated.

Zoe- This whole event is a crap-shoot. With Crosby eliminated, and no idea who they'll put in instead (please please don't also be Martin St. Louis), we really don't know who should win. Kovalev will be in his own city, and we have a soft spot for Kovalev. Ovechkin will attempt to steal the show, but we'll hope he failboats. It's determined by fan vote. What a fucking embarrassment.

Kim- Kovie. If it's anyone else, I'm burning down the homes of every fan voter.


Accuracy

Henrik- Safe is Kaberle but I've never been safe so I'm gonna go with Malkin. Actually, Kaberle.

Noodles- Tazer because like our Cappy, he doesn't do anything wrong and does everything perfect.

Macke- I feel obligated to vote for Tazer... the judgemental eyebrows make me nervous.

LeTude- I'm picking Malkin. I have faith in the underdog because we all think he is retarded.

Zoe- If I didn't say Malkin I would fully support the city of Pittsburgh burning me at the stake. Maybe if Kaberle weren't a Maple Leaf his career would be less hilarious. Hopefully Heatley crashes a very expensive car into the arena before he can compete. I'd say that he could kill Tim Thomas in the process, but I wouldn't want Thomas to miss the chance to look like a fucking idiot in the elimination shootout.

Kim- Malkin all the way. I'd be a joke of a Pens fan if I said anything else, and a joke of a hockey fan if I actually believed anything else.


Hardest Shot

Henrik- I wanna see how Shea Weber does because he broke Nick Lidstrom.

Noodles- My irrational side is going to go with Shea Weber because it would make me cry. But I honestly think it will be Souray. It's all that pizza dough he flips.

Macke- Sheldon Souray because I saw this guy do 106.7 without a full wind-up at the Oilers Skills Competition earlier this month. And because I'm a homer.

LeTude- Shea Weber because the defense know how to shoot. Unlike the Penguins.

Zoe- Chara will win it because he is not human. Sheldon Souray is a dick.

Kim- I support Chara because he fucking climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro this past summer. He will not let the world down after that.


Elimination Shootout

Henrik- Kovalev even though I hate him. But maybe Carter has a few moves.

Noodles- I'm going a different route and picking a defenseman. Shea Weber is going to pwn this event.

LeTude- I seriously have no idea so I'm going to go with Lecevalier because his boyfriend came replacing Sid and he will be super pumped and they can share the moment together when it happens.

Zoe- As long as Malkin owns Tim Thomas at some point, I really don't give a flying fuck who wins this. I'll say Malkin. They really should have invited Jarkko Ruutu for this.

Kim- What the fuck, you mean he wasn't? I won't even be watching. I say Malkin and Kovie tie. THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT. Someone call me and let me know if one of 'em wins, or if the building implodes and kills everyone inside.


Youngstars: Freshmen or Sophomores

Henrik- Picking the Sophomores because Carey Price is Jesus Christ. And Pekka Rinne is the bane of my existence.

Noodles- Rookies. Blake Wheeler is just too good-looking to root against. I'm hoping that they score nine goals on Price.

LeTude- Sophomores because I cannot go against my husband and it's kinda sexual because Letang is playing with Andrew Cogliano. Some girl's vagina might explode.

Zoe- The sophomores look more balanced and the fact that it's 3-on-3 will make everything wide open, obviously. Plus, it's billed as some fucking nonstop action. I don't think the rookies are prepared for it. Sophomores all the way. Penalty shots will be awarded instead of power plays, and Kris Letang will stun the world. Go sophomores.

Kim- Being the only part of the ASG that I'm kind of excited to see, I'm taking sides with the sophomores as well. They not only carry everyone's favorite Kris Letang, but they're showing up huge on the liver failure front this year thanks to the failest of the Staal brothers. This is Tanger's chance to practice his newly devised shootout move and my chance to get shitfaced and forget where I am and what I'm watching.

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Macke came up with some new categories for the Super Skills. And they are brilliant.


Most likely to have an existential crisis when he wonders what the hell he's doing at the All-Star game:

Mike Komisarek


Most likely to try to kill a fellow countryman and teammate named Evgeni Malkin:

This could be anyone because there are five freakin' Russians on the East team, but I'm gonna go on a hunch and pick Alexander Ovechkin


Most likely to argue calls with the ref:

Tim Thomas. Also voted most likely to freak the f- out.


Most likely to make a fool out of himself:

Patrick Kane. It's not hard. Really.


Hockey Junkie most likely to say they'll skip the All-Star game but watch it anyway:

Macke.

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Two videos we found about the YSG and the ASG.



Noodles wants Kris Versteeg. Like right now.




Mason Raymond is not a good speller and that's us being nice. Bitch can't spell Bouwmeester.

Little Boys!

We may think that the All Star Game is a joke but the Young Stars game is not. It's the one place where the youngest members of teams get to strut their stuff in photoshoots and on the ice.

But the photoshoots are the most important part. Seriously. Most of the pictures are pretty weird and poorly done but we love them anyway.

For example, most of the players were photographed with this black cloth around their necks. Looks extremely scary.

The rest of the pictures were actually quite nice. But these boys need a stylist. Or at least a mother to help them dress.

Only Brandon Dubinsky, Kris Versteeg, Blake Wheeler and Kris Letang looked presentable. The rest of them looked like teenagers who had no idea how to dress for this event.

Andrew Cogliano is an honorable mention. But that gaudy watch is a little more than we can handle.

Then there's Drew Doughty and Luke Schenn.

We don't know what is up with Luke Schenn and that shirt. And this pornstar pose? Sign him up for the next homemade porno with Jordan Staal.

Drew doesn't look that bad but the color is blah.

Then there's James Neal. What a sexy beast.

There were a couple of rookies/sophomores missing but we aren't complaining. These pictures made our day. And are making us watch at least some of the ASG.

What Sidney Crosby Is Doing Instead Of Going To The All Star Game

Henrik tried to off herself by eating 87 cupcakes when she found out that Crosby was not going to the ASG.

We had to stage an intervention and give her things that Sidney Crosby would rather do than go to the All Star Game.

1. Cuddling with Jordan Staal for three whole days and eating one peice of chocolate, while Jordan owns the rest of the box.

2. Going to different bars in disguises each night of the break with Max Talbot. Jordan is there too but that is a given.

3. Prank calls Evgeni Malkin and says, "I am Evgeni Malkin. I like eggs."

4. Prank calls Alex Ovechkin and says, "I am Evgeni Malkin, I want to be friends again." Then tells him to meet him at this shady part of Montreal where the fans riot and accidentally kill him.

5. Knits a sweater.

6. Has Jordan Staal spend the night without asking Mario.

7. Drives around with Ryan Whitney and knocks people's mail boxes off their stands with a hockey stick.

8. Sings Get Low by Lil' Jon with his PlayStation 3 SingStar. And films it.

9. Drinks whole milk from the carton standing in front of the refrigerator in his boxers at 3 in the morning.

Just because he can.

And that's how Sidney Crosby spends his All Star Break.

Cam Ward had to play like Jesus F-ing Christ....Game Forty-Eight: Hurricanes at Penguins

Hurricanes-2 Penguins-1


Noodles and Henrik were nice enough to surrender one of their tickets for this game so I could see Tuomo Ruutu, errr, and obviously the Pens.

We started the night off right, as we were on our way to the arena we noticed that a ticket had been left behind. Sounds about right with the 3 of us.

I was ranting in the back about how I wanted Letang to be on the cover of Ice Time, because he hasn't been this season. Also probably how much I love Jarkko Ruutu and how I was going to see his little brother.

As Ice Time is handed to us I automatically noticed that yes, in fact, Kristopher Letang was on the cover with Malkin and Crosby for the All-Star weekend.

We sit in our seats and immediately noticed this man sitting a few rows in front of us. This picture pretty much explains everything, and our reaction.

Henrik reported to us that he was on T.V. Fantastic.

Things we noticed while yelling at the Staal brothers and constantly looking for Sutter and Ruutu from D7...

Jordan Staal breaks his stick more then anyone in the NHL, possibly even the world. If there was a competition during the All Star weekend for 'most likely to break his stick on a beautiful scoring chance', hands down Jordie would own bitches.

Satan might be the slowest skater ever. I even think Gill and Godard could beat him in a race.

Malkin had a horrible game. I don't think he knew where the puck was half the time.

Dustin Jeffrey was the Hot Seat and made us fall in love with him even more.

The game-winning goal by Eric Staal was bull. Ryan Whitney was douched in the face by Eric Staal when the puck was nowhere near them. No call. And somehow Eric Staal ended up in front of the net. Goal. Loser.

Jordan and Eric got kicked out of faceoff's more than Lindsay Lohan was in and out of rehab. Jordan also may have broken Ray Whitney's spine with an insane cross-check while pulling him to the ice by his spine.

The 400lbs woman next to us had complete and total hate for us. Maybe it was because we kept saying how much Boucher and Malkin fail, or that we should trade Satan for Parise. Whatever it was, she wasn't happy.

Noodles had a target on some broad that got to play the intermission game. Why you ask? She had a Goligoski 3rd jersey, simple enough.

The Ryan Whitney hatewagon is back in full effect. I thought I was going to have to restrain Noodles so she didn't kill a small child.

Niclas Wallin got injured from an apparent Matt Cooke hit. The Mellon Arena Curse was in full effect as soon as the Hurricanes bus pulled into Gate Two.

As time ticked down and we had a 6 on 4 man advantage for two minutes, we knew it wasn't going to happen. Letang hit the post again, as usual. The poor guy is due a goal somehow, someway.

Not only did the Pens lose, but Ruutu and Sutter did nothing, what a disappointment.

Once again this game proved how insane Fleury is.

Not only did he play phenomenal, but he also deflected a shot, fell backwards, somehow got his balance in time to literally kick the puck out before it found it's way to the back of the net. We know he was probably laughing his ass off, and that is why we love him.

Awards Monday: Week Sixteen

Hottie Of The Week


Mike Cammalleri



We know that Versus also picked this man for one of their stars of the week but we bet that we had him picked first.

Stats aren't our specialty so we overlook them when picking the Hottie of the Week even though he had like fifteen goals the past three games.

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Commercial Of The Night


The commercial is for Future Shop, an electronics store based in Canada.



"Gigabyte me, ram-lover."

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The Ryan Malone Wheaties Award


David Backes



He scored an amazing goal in the St. Louis Blues game against the Boston Bruins.

For almost an entire 60 minutes the Blues had the lead, 2-1. Then the Bruins got a 5-on-3 and take the lead with two power play goals.

Then, to make matters even worse, Zdeno Chara scored to make it 4-2.

Somehow, David Perron scored to bring the Blues within one.

In a flurry at the end, one of the Bruins takes a shot at the empty net but somehow Barret Jackman makes a sliding dive save to keep it out.

Then the Blues take the puck down the ice and with one second left, one second Backes bats the puck out of mid-air and scores.



Tim Thomas thinks that it is a bad goal and literally throws his net. What a big baby. But it's good.


T.J. Oshie caps off the win with an unreal shootout move. What a game.