Friday, February 6, 2009
Intervention: Ryan Whitney
Ryan Whitney: Hello, my name is Ryan Whitney and I am addicted to the worst thing possible. Cake.
[A few of Ryan's teammates have decided to voice their opinion on this]
Hal Gill: Dude, I am just sick and tired of this bullshit. All he does is eat cake and complain how hairy he is. It's getting old.
Alex Goligoski: Yeah, I mean, we can't go anywhere and he's always talking about cake and this one time he chased Hal around with a fork.
Hal Gill: Yeah, the idiot didn't have his fix that day and was hallucinating. He thought I was a piece of Strawberry Shortcake.
Mark Eaton: [laughs] And there was that time that he passed out with his face buried in that Double German Chocolate Cake.
Rob Scuderi: He eats so much cake that it makes him slow and kills the few brain cells he as left. His defensive game is horrible.
Alex Goligoski: In a nutshell, he sucks. Because he eats too much cake.
[The boys in the room laugh hysterically]
Brooks Orpik: [glares at all of them] Oh, you think that an addiction is funny? You think that Ryan's constant baking and eating and decorating of cakes is funny? I hate you all.
[room goes silent]
Kris Letang: [pets Orpik's head] Shh, it's okay. We know that you can't pick who you love.
Brooks Orpik: [makes this face] You're gonna die.
Ryan Whitney: I don't think that I have an addiction. I mean, sometimes I really like to eat a few pieces of cake here and there.
I mean, it shouldn't matter what I eat or, wait, give me a minute. [picks up a piece of cake in the middle of the interview and starts eating it with his hands]
[Cameras follow what Ryan does in a normal day]
He wakes up and eats the funnel cake he set aside the night before by his bedside.
Then he eats a piece while driving to Mellon Arena for morning skate.
And as he talks with Brooks Orpik, he slips a piece of Funfetti cake into his mouth when no one is looking.
During the first intermission, while the coach is talking, Ryan eats a piece of marble cake stashed in his sock.
Another piece of angel food cake is consumed while he is showering after the game.
[addresses the camera as he drives home...while eating the yellow batter cake he pulled out of his glove compartment.]
I don't think I have a problem. My love for cake does not get in the way of my life, I don't think.
[Several of Ryan's teammates sit in a circle, waiting for him to enter the room]
[Door opens, Ryan enters] What the-
Brooks Orpik: [standing up] Ryan, this is an intervention.
[Ryan looks absolutely shocked] Why? I don't do kakaine anymore and I stopped imitating Will Ferrell at parties. My addictions are over.
[Rob Scuderi sadly shakes his head] It's about the cake, Ryan. The constant stream of birthday cakes and ice cream cakes and specialty cakes that you eat. It's too much.
Mark Eaton: You even crashed my daughter's birthday party with a squirt gun and a cape to get to her Little Mermaid birthday cake. It was embarrassing.
Ryan Whitney: [mumbling] I don't remember that at all.
Hal Gill: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO HIGH ON CAKE TO EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE DOING!!!
[rest of the group mumble in agreement]
[Ryan Whitney begins to cry incoherently] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I want to get better, I don't want to be this addicted anymore.
[They all group hug]
One Month Later
I have decided to get help for this addiction when I mistook one of my teammates for a piece of cake and ran after him with a fork and knife.
It started when I was five. My grandfather was addicted to cake as was my father. But he kicked the habit so I figure that I could too.
The program I started is cold turkey. And with some help from my teammates and family I can hopefully kick this habit for good.
I don't need cake anymore.
[Looks sideways and then hurriedly pops a piece of something into his mouth. Then smiles at the camera with chocolate batter in his teeth]