As everyone knows, the feud between Evgeni Malkin and Alexander Ovechkin is an unfounded event and just seems to have happened suddenly.
We here at The Hockey Junkies have found out what really happened through our impeccable Russian translators and diligent reporting from behind enemy lines.
(Be careful, the following contains gross exaggerations of the Russian peoples and of gay/metro men everywhere.)
Somewhere in Russia around August 2007
Evgeni came prancing through the doorway, "My dearest Alex, I am home." Home from where, no one really knew. Probably some Russian strip club where the women looked like men and had unibrows.
The house was silent and Evgeni traipsed into the bedroom he shared with Alexander Ovechkin. Whistling some tune he used to hear from his mother, Evgeni approached the closet to hang his coat up.
And that was when he noticed this strange shoebox he had never seen before sticking out from underneath a pile of red t-shirts and red boxer-briefs and red breakaway pants.
Bending over, Evgeni pulled the shoebox out and sat on the red bed with it. He gingerly opened the lid and gasped when he saw what was inside.
There were pictures of Sidney Crosby filling the entire box.
Ones from when he was an infant, his very first TimBits card, personal pictures of him in this ugly brown sweater. And godawful game photos with his tongue sticking out.
Evgeni leafed through the articles placed inside the box as well. All of them were about the head-to-head matchups between the two of them with red hearts drawn over the accompanying pictures of both Crosby and Alex.
There was no end to Evgeni's horror. He never knew that Alex...
Evgeni's head snapped up and the shoebox flew to the floor. There was the evidence. "You...and Sidney Crosby...how?...Why?"
Alex's head bowed, "I am sorry. I can't help it."
Storming out of the palatial house, Evgeni vowed to never let Alex Ovechkin near his Sidney Crosby.
Somewhere in Russia around August 2008
Alexander Semin came prancing through the doorway, "Oh Alex, I am home my lovely." But there was no answer.
Shrugging to himself, Semin traipsed into the awesomely red and Russian bedroom he shared with Alexander Ovechkin.
Approaching the opened closet, Semin noticed something strange. It was this shoebox that he had never seen before. A shoebox that was from some American company called Reebok.
He settled on the bed to check out this strange box.
Somewhere in Washington D.C., around Friday October 31st
Semin huffed petulantly at the interviewer, "What's so special about Crosby? I don't see anything special there."