Only Dustin Jeffrey Cares.....Game Forty: Penguins At Rangers

Rangers 4 - Penguins 0

Right now, we are running on fumes and planning on standing outside in the cold and rain and eat junk food to student rush with our friends.

It's so sad yet awesome.

Rangers suck.

Scott Gomez is a diver.

Rangers fans suck.

Versus sucks. Beninati and Olczyk had no idea what was going on, mis-calling plays and penalities and just bumble-fucked their way through the broadcast.

We knew the game was screwed when Dumper Bob scored for the Rangers. At least he's dependable about that and always does what we know he can.

Why were Alex Goligoski and Hal Gill scratched for the game? With two "game-time decision" scratches the power play and penalty kill units were fucked. Good job coaching staff.

Penalties were retarded.

Brooks Orpik was high-sticked in the face by Petr Prucha. And we are sure we heard him say, "No one makes me bleed my own blood."

Henrik Lundqvist wasn't gonna be someone's bitch this night and decided to flash his glove hand whenever he could.

If we didn't off ourselves after the Panthers game then we are just planning on hanging around for a little longer.

Slowly but surely the blame is being put on Ryan Whitney's shoulders. The hate-wagon is revving it's engine and printing the boarding passes.

Best part of the night was the Orpik hit on Colton Orr.


There has never been a happier man than Scott Gomez after he scored the empty-netter. He skated off that bench so fast we thought he heard someone say he was getting deported if he didn't score.

What a shit game. It's honestly getting tiring watching these guys skate around and not care. Who knows what will happen now.

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Our perfect scenario for this game would have been:

Brandon Dubinsky suddenly gets the urge to drink some rookie blood and boards the living shit out of the closest rookie, Alex Goligoski.

Unfortunately for Brandon, Andre Savard decided to pair up Kris Letang with Alex. This is unfortunate because Kris relies on Alex for life-questions. For example, Kris cannot eat without Alex's permission.

Kris sees this and flips his shit, yelling about poutine and tiny shetland ponies, and rushes Brandon Dubinsky.

The fans in MSG go silent as Letang rag-dolls Dubinsky along the ice and screams "Soylent Green is people!" as Alex bleeds his own blood onto the sacred Rangers ice.

Suddenly, Kris bites Brandon's head off and tosses it into the seats.

Rent-a-cops bumrush the scene and haul Kris from MSG. He is sent to prison for eternity or until he can properly say 'together.'

LeTude hopelessly writes girl jail-mail to him with homemade cupcakes. She used to send explosives and razors into the cupcakes so Kris could Escape from Alcatraz from the prison but Ryan Whitney accidentally ate a cupcake with a bomb in it and died.

Oh, Alex Goligoski also writes Kris some letters when he feels guilty for marrying Brandon Dubinsky after the whole incident.

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Atlanta's going down.