Defensemen are best at long, hard romps in the sack

Do you think that's just a cliche? An uneducated guess perhaps? Or totally true?

We got the line from The Girlfriend's Guide To Hockey. The book is worse than our blog because it talks down to women but maybe we're just offended cause we already know hockey and being told that a puck "is a black rubber disc" really irks us.

We shall discuss that later on...

Doesn't matter now because defensemen are the soup-dujour today. And we ranked our favorites according to uh, cuteness first then skill and then the other stuff like team they are on and who their favorite New Kids On The Block is.

We always loved Jordan.

-&-

1. Ryan Whitney - Pittsburgh Penguins
Noodles and Mr. Whitney have been married for approximately 3 years. 3 trying, fight-filled and long yet loving years. We have to love him because she does. It's the Boston accent and the way he says 'media-whore' that just totally gets to us.

2. Jack Johnson - Los Angeles Kings

He's as tough as a WWF fighter yet as sexy as Emilio Estevez when he was Coach Bombay. And he wears purple. If you haven't figured it out yet, we love purple. And when JJ concussed Ryan Smyth he said to the world, "Bitch betta be ready for the Double J."

3. Shea Weber - Nashville Predators

Shea has the look of a rapist. And it's kinda unsettling that we like it. He clotheslined some 5'2" German player at the 2007 World Championships and then looked completely emotionless when told that he concussed the guy. It's that kind of sociopathic disregard for human life that we love.

4. Brooks Orpik - Pittsburgh Penguins

Yet another player who could not give a flying fuck about the opposition. We loved him even before "The Shift" but that has sky-rocketed one of our favorite defensemen into the spotlight whether he likes it or not. He's always been a beast...it was just waiting to come out.

5. Dion Phaneuf - Calgary Flames

In the years since his rookie year (hasn't been that long, we know) he's become somewhat of a teddy bear. We expected him to become this nasty-ass "Bitches ain't shit" type D-man, kinda like Craig Rivet or Brendan Witt (without the 'tude) but nada. (Okay, we were kinda mean to him....but he broke our hearts by dating Sean Avery's STDs).

6. Paul Ranger - Tampa Bay Lightning
By far, the emo-est looking defenseman on this list. And we know like absolutely nothing about him. It's like he doesn't exist. The word underrated is thrown around more than a used syringe at a Vogue after-party but he seriously is one of the most underrated d-men in the league.

7. Kevin Bieksa - Vancouver Canucks

Seeeeven Keeeeeevin. Just sounds funny. Anyway, he was sorely missed last season when a freak accident took him out of the line-up until March. We love Kevin because he looks like a goblin and is totally badass. If Samuel L. Jackson was white...

8. Andrej Meszaros - Tampa Bay Lightning

He was the only reason that Noodles even liked Ottawa and held us back when we really wanted to give it to that team. Now that he's gone, we are free to make fun of Jason Spezza's hideous laugh and Dany Heatley's inability to keep his stick down. Tampa has two hottie defensemen...hmm.

9. Ryan Parent - Philadelphia Flyers

The rookie, both in the NHL and on this list. We decided to include him because he has the most fantabulous lips on planet Earth. The fact that he is a Flyer and our mortal enemy hinders the relationship between him and us but not a lot. He's freakin' adorable anyway.

-&-

Now, for the Runners-Ups because all good lists have the ones who weren't quite good enough to make it.

1. Mike Green - always has been cute but playing with Alex Ovechkin kinda diminishes his stock and the fact that he's probably not going to get 18 goals again...does anyone else remember how bad he was as a rookie? No...no one?

2. Niklas Kronwall - the only Swede that Noodles will admit to liking besides Robert Nilsson. But he's with Detroit and no one likes powerhouses (boring!) so that's why he didn't make the list-o.

3. Duncan Keith - He has to see Brian Campbell naked in the locker room now. He'll probably be scarred for life seeing that.

4. Brent Burns - We absolutely love him and his enthusiasm for life and hockey but there were other hotter defensemen that we liked longer so they got first dibs.

5. Erik Johnson - We affectionately call him EJ, cause we can. He's a Blue but we have problems with anyone who is compared to Chris Pronger. Seriously.